Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
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I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
In banana years, I am bread.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
#dalle2
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??