Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain