I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER