Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
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Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.