@michael_raphone

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

@michael_raphone

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

@michael_raphone

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

@michael_raphone

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

@michael_raphone

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

@michael_raphone

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though