It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
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If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I love art.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them