Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
You Might Also Like
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Oceanography is all about current events