Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
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Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%