*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit