Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
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It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.