My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
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My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second