me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
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PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
HELP 😭
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE