Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
mood
What personal space?
My dog
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Funny women are smart. Be careful.