If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
The Backseat Boys
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.