You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.