therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
me: my friends:
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised