@mikealfredcaine

saw your mum at the supermarket buying vaseline & cucumbers & nothing else, no wonder your dad died if that what she puts in sandwiches

@mikealfredcaine

my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin

@mikealfredcaine

my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying “jeff is dead” so they know what the flowers are for

@mikealfredcaine

shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog