No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.