Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
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I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???