I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
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Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock