you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
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No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Extremely relatable.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
i think my razor is having a panic attack
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.