An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
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OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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