A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Mornin. * use accordingly
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.