WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Breaking news:
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.