911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
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Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Order here:
More here:
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x