Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
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I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.