What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
A roof is a house hat.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.