You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…