♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
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so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain