“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings