Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”