Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.