When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
is nasa ok
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.