@misfarber: [fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no-- they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

@misfarber: I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

@misfarber: Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

@misfarber: Shouldn't the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don't know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

@misfarber: *rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party's downstairs. Please get out of my room

@misfarber: Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

@misfarber: A little Caesar's pizza joke, eh?

@misfarber: Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don't know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

@misfarber: The baby's trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant