@misfarber

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

@misfarber

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@misfarber

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

@misfarber

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

@misfarber

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

@misfarber

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

@misfarber

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant