The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
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Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Google assistant rules
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.