Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
good work, detective
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development