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I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
When you’re here for the treats.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
#winning
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*