Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60