Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.