[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
#Caturday
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.