Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.