[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
courtroom exchange of the day
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”