On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
the last thing a carrot sees
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?