“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?