@mjkspeaks

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

@mjkspeaks

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

@mjkspeaks

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

@mjkspeaks

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

@mjkspeaks

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

@mjkspeaks

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

@mjkspeaks

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

@mjkspeaks

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

@mjkspeaks

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.