How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.