Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?