@mjkspeaks

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

@mjkspeaks

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

@mjkspeaks

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

@mjkspeaks

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

@mjkspeaks

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

@mjkspeaks

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

@mjkspeaks

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

@mjkspeaks

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

@mjkspeaks

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?