Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
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If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
In space, no one can hear…
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
my fav colour is also hitler
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.