It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.