If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
this article brought to you by lions
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
respect
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”