you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”