OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.