“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
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My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.