Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
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huge valentines day plans this year!!
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
liiiiiiiiike
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”